your vacant heart dreams of beautiful lies
by sikeminatural
Summary: Sam's POV, set during the final scenes of 6.22. He wants to believe that he can be the one to save everyone, that he can make amends for what he's done. But he fears that he may be too broken.


-sikeminatural-

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><p>Title: your vacant heart dreams of beautiful lies<br>Author: **sikeminatural**  
>Word count: 1000<br>Rating: PG-13  
>Warnings: dark, spoilers for season 6, written in 2nd person.<br>Characters: Sam Winchester

Summary: Sam's POV, set during the final scenes of 6.22. He wants to believe that he can be the one to save everyone, that he can make amends for what he's done. But he fears that he may be too broken.

Notes: First ever fic written in 2nd person, but this is how it came to me for some reason lol. Title adapted from "We All Bleed" by _Crossfade_  
>Thank you to <strong>twnchesterangel<strong> for the beta.

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><p>You wake up with a soft flutter of your eyes and instantly you know that something has changed. It feels like you're in some sort of distant space and you can't seem to get a grip on anything. The first stab of pain catches you by surprise even though deep down inside you knew it was coming. You know what pain feels like. The pain of losing someone; the pain caused by hurting someone you love and maybe those that you don't.<p>

The pain of someone or something hurting _you._

But the pain you're feeling now? The ache that's settled inside of you? It's different from what you've felt before. It feels like someone has reached inside you and ripped your heart out clean. It's raw, dark and you just feel empty. But at the same time it's like a rush of emotions are pouring over you and no matter how hard you try, you can't seem to stop it.

It's not supposed to be like this, you tell yourself. You remember everything though; how you took out soul-less and hellbound parts of yourself and you wonder why you're still not a whole piece. Maybe it's because you're too broken. Even now you can feel flashes of heat, sharp pains and you can smell roasted flesh. The thick scent coats the lining of your throat but you're still too rigid to even attempt to cough.

Even though you feel like giving in to the pain, feel like dying and you want it all to end, there's something lurking behind the shadows of your broken soul. It's so obvious but for some reason you can't see through the haze of pain swarming around you. You sigh, or at least you think you do. Do you still have any control over your actions?

That's it, you think. You need to take control. You need to be stronger than this. You have to find Dean. Dean.

That's what you need to find. Or rather, who you need to find. The distant smell of whiskey; the faint whisper of old spice. It was all Dean. You tell yourself that you need to pull yourself out of this vortex that you've been sucked into. But you know that there's something else that you need to do. You need to take control. The demons that are taunting you, mocking you - they need to be confined into the darkness.

Somewhere where you're the one with the power over them.

The emptiness inside you, it has to be pushed aside.

Dean's counting on you. And your head's so screwed up that you can't even promise yourself that you'll fix everything. All you can do is hope. Hope that you make it there in one piece. Because all you have now is your instinct - you're weak and fragile and you know it. But there's still that part of you that wants to play the hero. You try to shut it down but it won't go away. It never does. It's a way of masking the pain. And this hurts so much that all you want to do is make it go away.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath as you begin to sit up slowly. A few moments to gather you bearings and you reopen your eyes. The first thing you notice is the gun and the close proximity to the small dent in the mattress where your head was minutes earlier. This stops you in your tracks as a million thoughts fly around in your head. It makes you dizzy though, so you shrug it off and tell yourself that your brother didn't leave you. He had no choice but to stop Cas. Cas, who saved you from hell. Cas, who inflicted this pain on you indirectly. You try not to think it but it's not possible.

Why the hell did he pull you out? For Dean or for his own reasons?

You realise that you don't give a fuck.

You're not sure why he's done what he's done - how you're supposed to understand. Good. Evil. Shades of grey. It doesn't mean anything to you anymore. All that matters is living. You wonder if you'll be alive once the adrenaline wears out. You can feel it pumping through your fiery, hot veins and it's enough. Enough to take the edge off the pain that's been slicing you so deeply. You can breathe easier now. You inch forward and heave yourself up so that your feet hit the ground. It feels solid and firm and it calms you. Maybe you'll be back to normal soon.

That thought stops you in your tracks.

Normal. You find it ironic how that thought is followed by a flash of your broken memories spilling into your consciousness.

You reach out blindly and shove the weapons into your coat pocket once you've managed to shrug it on.

_They're counting on me, _you think and the part of you that still craves acceptance is screaming at you. This is your chance to save Dean; Bobby too. Maybe you can regain their trust again. And that's all that you need to keep you going.

You can _save _them. You can start to make up for all of the ways you've fucked up since you got out of hell.

There's a voice inside your head telling you that it's not that easy; that you're pinning too much on this. But it gets so lost in the tangled web of thoughts, memories and pain currently swimming through your conscience, that it's easier to ignore.

And later when it all goes wrong - when you think you've succeeded but you haven't. That moment when Cas says something you can't believe you're bearing witness to. The point of realisation that's hard for you to accept.

You feel as though you've failed. You feel like giving up. Usually you'd draw strength from Dean but he looks just as terrified as you feel. It's all you can do to stay on your feet.

Fire.

Heat.

Burn.

Pain.

You wonder if you'll ever be the same again.

**Fin.**


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